As with any successful organization/team, you need the right
  mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league
  player categories:
 
  The Ringer
  Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option.
  Others go with it right from the opening faceoff.
 
  Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The
  challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit
  up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of
  ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and
  awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is free
  hockey. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an
  extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the Division-7
  title.
 
  The Young Guy
  At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer,
  since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his
  junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase
  of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy
  stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an
  increasingly sedentary existence catches up by Christmas.
  Ten to 20 pounds later, he's just another player,
  huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
 
  The Old Guy
  Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him, even
  though his gloves reach up to his armpits and he still uses
  a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective
  player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here
  and a chop there, because that's how they did it when
  professional athletes were real men. 'Eddie Shore --
  now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the
  Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a
  shift.'
 
  The Tardy Goalie
  Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the
  first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything.
  Take your time.
 
  The Beginner
  Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have
  to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to take up
  hockey in adulthood. On the other, learn to take a pass,
  man. It's right on your stick. How does that knock you
  over? And now you're offside.
 
  The Complete Psycho
  Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. The complete
  psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie,
  challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the
  repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't
  want to be fed. He wants to hunt.
 
  The Naked Guy
  Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy
  to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very
  least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll
  carry on full conversations, too, and you'll maintain
  eye contact like your life depended on it.
 
  The Guy with the New Girlfriend
  A good way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up
  on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show
  up to five games, tops, so it's not like you'll lose
  ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware
  that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn
  into the guy with the wife, at which point he'll never
  miss another game.